Triptych

Ruby on the way to school:

"Can we have barbecued rice for dinner?"

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As we walked back to the car in the parking lot, Ruby sang very loudly:

"Fourteen, sixteen, FOURTEEEEN, SIXTEEEEEEN, FOURTEEEEEEN!"

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After lunch I gave Ruby 2 Oreos.

R: "Do you only love me 2 times?"
Me: "I love you times infinity!"
R: "Well then give me infinity Oreos!"

Lofty long-term goal

Ruby: "When I gwoh up, I will sweep in bed with mommy and daddy!"

Spoil sport

Kiefer got a black, long-sleeved shirt with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton print on the front. Last week we had some cooler weather and he was insanely excited to wear it for the first time.  He was determined to "freak out" some people. He wore it to the supermarket where the produce manager saw Kiefer holding some lemons and said, "You better eat some more fruit! I can see your bones!"

Kiefer covered his mouth and giggled joyously.  He had tricked a grown man.

Ruby was incredulous. As the man walked away laughing, Ruby yelled, "Hey! It is just a PICTURE of bones!"

Storytime concussion

Last night we were settling down to read a bedtime story. I accidentally whacked Kiefer in the forehead with the back of my arm when we crawled on the bed. After the initial shock I asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You got me *right* in the brain."

She drives a hard bargain

Me: "Ruby, you are getting so tall. Can you please not grow up and stay my little girl forever?"

Ruby: (In faux super-sweet voice) "I am sorry, but I have to grow up right now. I will try not to grow up."

*pause*

"But if you take me to Halloween on Friday I will not grow up. Okay? So take me to Halloween. But FIRST! We need to get pumpkins! And pumpkin baskets to keep FOREVER!"

Singin' in the shower

We were listening to a song in the car called, "Singing in the Shower" when Ruby said, "I do not like to sing in the shower. I only sing at baby showers."

A smell of one's own

It is bedtime protocol to feed the goldfish. Kiefer opened the container of fish food and inhaled deeply, eyes closed, like it was a scent to savor. I could not ignore the oddity.

"Eeew, Kiefer, that fish food smells so gross."

"Noooooo...it smells like my eyes."

"It smells like your eyes?"

"Yeah. I can really smell my eyes."

Spirit of the law

We were going the usual back-and-forth over who would say the bedtime prayer. The kids generally fight over who gets to say it and it's lovely. Tonight Ruby declared, "I will say the prayer and I will NOT be reverent. I will say LOUD THINGS!!!"

I said, "Uhhhh, that's not how we should say prayers; maybe someone else should say it tonight."

"Okay, mommy. You can say it."

All the motivation I need

We went on a "trek" in downtown Sonora today with our sweet 7-year-old niece, Natalie, in support of a cure for cystic fibrosis. Kiefer was taking an undeserved break in the stroller and needed some motivational coaxing to lure him out on his feet. Grandma said, "Kiefer, you can get out and walk with Natalie!" Natalie was in earshot and joined in, "Yeah, you can walk with me and we can go window shopping!"

I prefer free-range

Whilst finishing the mundane task of inflating a plastic sandwich bag with a bike pump (?), Kiefer paused and said, "Wouldn't it be cool if we had a toad in a box? You know, a box with holes in it?"

Half full

Kiefer said in joyous amazement while eating an ice cream cone: "I can't believe I'm a KID!"

3-2-1...Blast Off

Today while waiting to pick up Kiefer at school, Ruby waited for the assistant principal to walk by so she could loudly say, "Horses can fly because fire comes out of their bottoms!"

Girl, Interrupted

I caught Ruby trying to sneak the makeup bag from the bathroom counter. I said, "Hey, can you put that back, please?"

She let out a combination sigh/scoff of defeat, embarrassment and the irritation that comes from being caught. I started to laugh at her display when she said angrily, "It's not FUNNY!!"

Personal Assistant

Kiefer held up the checkbook this morning and said, "Mommy, is this our checkbook?"

Me: "Yep."

Kiefer: "You need to keep better track of this."

Nutcracker

Ruby: "Mommy, what does 'ballerina' mean? Oh, maybe it means 'bad guy' in Spanish."

The opposite of cute

I tackled Ruby to put her shoes on and when the chore was complete, I gave her a giant kiss on the face. This apparently was not okay. She screamed, "No! Don't kiss me!"

I said, "But I love my kids and you're so cute!"

Her response: "Kiefer's not cute; he's AWESOME!"

Kid, you need some more of that...

While emptying the dishwasher tonight I hear the unmistakable sound of Ruby taking a pretty spectacular spill. I pause and wait for the scream, and when there is none I ask, "Are you okay?" After a deep breath she says, "Yeah! That didn't hurt! That was MAGIC!"

What?

Kiefer: "Mommy, zombies are *really* good listeners."

Perfect Angel

While riding in the car at the end of a long day, Kiefer robustly exclaimed, "Daddy! You didn't even have to spank me today!"

(No, we don't spank our children often. That's why it was so funny. To us.)

Here we go.

So I'm going to start this blog thing. You can see that I did start it once, a long time ago, but my attention span is not long enough for *real* posts. Thanks to suggestions from numerous people, I'm going to dedicate this blog to the sweet/provocative/hilarious/disturbing quotes from our kids.